Silent Beauty

Dirty windows painted closed. People laughing and smiling. No sound passes to my ears. It's overcast and Hookah smoke surrounds them. I like to sit and wonder at their thoughts, their lives. They are more than I can figure out.

Dandelion Prison

Today I thought of a story, "The Girl in the Dandelion Prison." It was terribly short, and the plot was very overdone. So I didn't write it down - but if I had, it would have been here. So ultimately all I did was remember that this blog exists and needed some love.

Affected

I spent another night burrowed into the arms of an unwilling soul who just couldn't leave me there alone as I shouted at the demons of my mind. I'd blame the wine, but I am only too tense to act honestly when sober. It's always there, inside me. It's killing me from the inside faster than anorexia nervosa ever threatened.


One day I'll either die because of it, or overcome it.
We'll find out.

If you're never hurt, how is it strength?

Strength is not never being hurt. Strength is getting up every morning when your heart is broken with your pillow still damp and facing the day, smile or frown. Strength is not wiping your history from your mind and stepping out as if you are new. It is realizing that your history is a part of your present, stepping out as if you have learned. Strength is not never revisiting your pains, it is never letting them hold you back.

Don't call me weak for crying.
I truly loved and lost.
You are not supposed to come out of that unmarked.

You were a lie, and it's all you'll ever be.

I say this without being mindful of the day, more so of a movie, and the affects of my current dilemmas. If I leave Columbus, it will be to attend University of Georgia and when people ask me why I am leaving, I'll say, "because I want to, because I don't like CSU." I won't say, "it will be better for us," or "it's a better school." I'll say, "because none of my siblings have been there," and, "I want my own experiences." I won't conceal lack of necessity, or the fact that it is purely my own decision, logical or not.  If by that time I've met someone and they ask me why I'm leaving, I'm not going to lie and say that it will do them good, I'm going to say, "because I make my decisions without you, and I made this one before you." That way when things start to fall to pieces three months after I leave, they won't be writing journal posts about me after ten months.

Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?

Talking to you on the phone last night really bombed my night. I wish we didn't work for the same company. I really wish it hadn't bothered me. I am nearly twenty years old. I should have learned by now to not be affected so easily. I really am excited about your good news. I hope everyone else is, too. I am jealous. Not for by whom, but what a treasure.

Someday, I want to talk to you about back then.

No, I do not. I just want to not feel the need to hide from you, and I want you to know that you injured the soul of a young teenage girl, however unintentionally.

Johnny

Do you ever see me and smirk with pleasure of knowing that I am became exactly what you trained me to be?

I am going to North Carolina for a few days, and when I come back. None of this will matter anymore. I will shred my skin, leaving my memories, hopes, and regrets behind. All the bad will be lost on the highway between here and there, and scattered into the wind.